Review the First: My Glasses

If you are reading this review NOW, you probably know me in real life and know all about my glasses. If you are reading this in the FUTURE, however, then statistically you are probably one of my millions of fans who has NOT had the pleasure of having met me in real life and inevitably been asked, “Hey, wanna try on my glasses?” oh so casually, because if there is anything that can ruin a mind blowing experience it is anticipation. Anyway, I guess this review is mainly for YOUR benefit, dear reader of the future.

Like all nerds, I am exceptionally proud of my profound myopia, and I delight in games of glasses switching because I nearly always win. If you have 20/20 vision and have witnessed nearsighted friends switching glasses, you may have thought it was just a fun way to pass three minutes. Actually, it is a swift and merciless contest for Alpha Geek, and you never get to be a contender. Sorry, scrub.

When I was younger, I told everyone that what THEY saw when they wore my glasses was what I saw when I DIDN’T, because I assumed the world made sense and had some kind of order and balance to it, but it is not so. If you were to try on my glasses, they would give you SUPERPOWERS. SUPER FOCUSED SUPER VISION. Unfortunately your brain isn’t equipped to handle it at all, but if you ever want to glimpse the fabric of reality, give it a shot.

And the entertainment value of watching people jump back in surprise as they unwittingly enter THE X DIMENSION is quite great if you can think on your feet and grab opportunities as they come. For example, my father asked my mother for her reading glasses at a low-lit restaurant as he squinted at the receipt, and I immediately and wordlessly handed my glasses to my mother, who fortunately knows how to keep a good thing going and handed them to my father without comment. Victory! He put them on unsuspectingly and jumped back MAYBE a foot.

Perhaps at this point you are thinking that getting people to jump a bit after glancing through light-bending ovals of glass would get old quickly, but you would be 100% wrong. It is always fantastic.

Awesomeness factor: A+

Of course, the same could be said about any pair of glasses I’ve had. How do these particular frames hold up in comparison to others?

Admittedly, not great. For starters, the left screw is loose, which means I have to continuously keep an eye on it, and screw it back in when it gets too wiggly, or it will fall out and the left lens will drop and shatter and I’ll step on it and my foot will become gangrenous and I probably won’t catch it in time because I’m a bit lazy like that.

Upkeep/Deadliness Factor: C

The other problem with the left screw is it must be inserted UPSIDE DOWN. This is fine now, since I’m just tightening it occasionally, but when it initially fell out I spent maybe an hour trying to screw it in from the top, feeling more foolish and clumsy and fat fingered every second.

On a related note, the left lens is scratched. I can’t tell when I’m wearing them, but every now and then my mother comments on it and I am reminded of how one time I tried to wipe them clean by rubbing them with the bottom of a shirt covered in beading because I am an idiot.

Shame Factor: C-

Finally, I suppose I should mention that they are BRAND glasses. Coach. This means something to certain types of people that aren’t me. They are pink, though, so as far as I’m concerned they are HOT.

Style Factor: B+


So there you have it. A snazzy pair of spectacles that do their best to make me feel bad about myself but never truly succeed because they give me the godlike power of being able to make new people momentarily surprised.

Overall: B+


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