1. Nantucket Nectar cap.
If you’ve ever had a Nantucket Nectar, you know that their caps have facts just like Snapple ones, except they have facts about Nantucket instead of facts about anything interesting. If there ever were any legitimately interesting facts, Nantucket Nectars ran through them long ago. The cap on the Half and Half I got today reads:
Many Nantucketers plant native eastern red cedars as protection against the fabled winds.
Now, that cap certainly isn’t A+ material like “There are no skunks on Nantucket” or that one about the special Nantucket tradition of having all the children dress up in costumes in an annual parade at the end of each October. It’s very nearly a boring D, like those ones about the average temperature of the surrounding ocean in July, but it is saved entirely by the word “fabled”. Fabled winds of Nantucket? What fables? Are there winds, or aren’t there? I do rather like the idea of a windless Nantucket filled with superstitious natives who plant the sacred red cedar as an appeal to the Earth Mother to protect them for another year, but actually there is plenty of wind on Nantucket. What’s next, Nantucket Nectars? Facts about the fabled lobsters that haunt the nearby waters? How about the fabled surplus of hydrangea oil paintings, available at any of Nantucket’s fine galleries?
2. The balloon that caught my eye in the flower section.
I couldn’t believe it. The “OMG” is bad enough, but it’s the “It’s the holidays!” subtitle that really makes it, because it makes NO sense in conjunction with “OMG”. I’m not the hippest youngster out there, I type out complete words in all my texts and messages and whatnot, but I am pretty sure that even though “OMG” is overused to the point of near meaninglessness, it is still inappropriate to use it to comment on the gradual entry into the annual holiday season, which currently lasts from late October to mid January. At least if it were “It’s Christmas!” there would be a definitive moment of excitement, but clearly nobody was willing to try too hard. When an edgy committee of forty-somethings decides to start printing up balloons with net-speak, I’m sorry, I expect at least a little thought. Although, let’s be honest, nobody in the fake target audience of computer savvy kids is going to be buying a balloon with net-speak, no matter how well made it is. No, this balloon is clearly for their parents, who will proudly display it during their neighborhood holiday party and laugh with their friends about how you can’t even UNDERSTAND teenagers anymore, who knows WHAT they’re always texting and twitting about, ha ha ha, and for those people, this balloon is exactly as good as it needs to be.
3. The romance novel title I happened to notice while trying to figure out where my mother had dissappeared to.
So sue me, I like wordplay, especially when it clearly took zero effort. Although it is fun to imagine the author trying very hard to tap into the pun potential of the word “forbidden”. “Let’s see…forbidden…for…bidden. For Bidding? No, too creepy…For Biding? Still too creepy…For Biden? God damn it…” Also, this title affords one the rare opportunity for self reflection. What kind of girl am I? On the inside, in my heart of hearts, am I forbidden or am I for bedding?”
What kind of girl are you?